Anger Management for Modern Life
For many of us, although 2015 is officially over, the emotional clean up process is just beginning. If 2015 was an angry year for you, you are not alone. The good news is 2016 is a brand new opportunity to reclaim emotional control of our life. You may want to consider having anger management as a New Year's resolution if any of the following apply: Have loved ones told you have an anger problem? Has your anger gotten you into legal trouble? Has your significant other, or family, asked you to go to anger management? Have you lost jobs, friends, or relationships because of your anger? If any of this sounds like you, there is hope. Individual or group anger management counseling can help you take back control of your emotional life ultimately leading to a happier and more successful you. Anger management isn't just for executives, athletes, or celebrities anymore! In fact, anger management skills can help you with all of the following: * Increase positive communication skills * Make better choices responding to stress at home and work. * Learn to express anger in more appropriate ways * Learn coping and relaxation skills * Learn replacement behaviors to use when angry At North Valley Anger Management Consultants, we excel in helping people overcome and control anger and reclaim their lives. For more information, call us today for a free 30 minute telephone consultation at 1-888-992-6479, or visit our website at www.nvamc.com
How do you know if frequent weekends in Vegas have become a gambling addiction? The signs of a gambling problem are often the same as the signs of other addictions. Common signs of a gambling addiction include: • Feeling the need to be secretive about your gambling • Having trouble controlling your gambling habits • Gambling when you cannot afford to do so • Friends and family often expressing concern with your gambling Of course, as with any other addiction, the hallmark sign of a gambling problem is that you feel you cannot stop. Gambling is a diverse activity, so it is not always obvious when someone is addicted to gambling. Contrary to popular belief, the act of gambling is not restricted to slot machines, cards and casinos. Purchasing a lottery ticket, entering a raffle or making a bet with a friend are also forms of gambling. Gambling addiction is associated with many additional challenges, in both the short- and long-term, beyond that of gambling. Consequently, a gambling addiction frequently results in other addictions that serve as coping mechanisms for people who are stressed out by the activity. Many gamblers turn to drugs, alcohol and other activities to alleviate the anxiety brought on by the gambling lifestyle. Even if a gambler never experiences financial ruin as a result of the lifestyle, they may struggle with drug and alcohol addiction for the rest of their life after self-medicating to deal with the stress.
Gambling addiction can occur when a person feels that they are in financial ruin and can only solve their problems by gambling what little they have in an attempt to win a large sum of money. Unfortunately, this almost always leads to a cycle in which the gambler feels they must win back their losses. Because gambling addiction is often associated with depression and anger, quitting gambling is no easy feat, but it can be done with the help of a solid support group and treatment program. It can be difficult to get started on the path to recovery without the assistance of professionals who have helped people through the process before. Supportive friends and family are vital to a full recovery, but they might not know how best to help you. If any of this sounds familiar, you, or someone you love, may be struggling with a gambling addiction. In California, help is available for the gambler, and the gambler’s family, with no zero out of pocket expense. For further information, please call 1-800-gambler, or visit the following website www.problemgambling.ca.gov
Surviving Domestic Violence
Domestic violence and domestic abuse are serious issues that affect both men and women. They often go hand in hand, but just because you are not being physically attacked, doesn’t mean you aren’t being abused. It is important to know the signs and recognize when they are present in your life. Some of these signs include… Jealousy over who you talk to. Embarrassing or putting you down in front of others. Finding faults, and correcting things you said or did after a social event. Making you feel worthless / useless / devalued Threatening you or your loved ones / pets. Wants to be involved with and control everything you do. Checks in often and regularly to see what you are doing, where you are, and who is with you. Always wants you to do things with their friends and family. Is not interested in spending time with your friends, family, or activities, and objects to you being involved. Keeps money from you and doesn't put you on credit card accounts, checking and/or savings accounts. Slams things, throws things, or breaks things when upset. Punishes you, by abusing your children, or pets. Makes all the decisions in your relationship. Doesn't let you further your education, or work. Requires you to work excessively while all the money goes to them. Blames you for their mistakes. Denies, or controls your access to medicine, medical care, or medical devices. Pushes, slaps, restrains, kicks, punches, or in any other way physically hurts you. Threatens to turn you into immigration for deportation. Expects/demands sex, sexual acts you aren't comfortable with, or sexually assaults you. Regardless of how long the relationship has been going on, the sooner you get out the better. The longer you stay, the harder / more dangerous it becomes to get out. The abusive partner will be more invested as time passes, and more determined to keep you from getting away. Verbal Abuse
Verbal Abuse is often used before the physical abuse starts or in conjunction with it. The abusive partner uses this to tear you down and make you easier to control / manipulate. The more they can get you to feel worthless, the more power they ultimately have over you. Do these examples sound like they would come from someone speaking out of love? “Everything you say is stupid, nobody wants to hear it, you should just keep your mouth shut.” “If you had done it right, then I wouldn’t have to be mad at you.” “Why are you dressing like that, you look like a whore, do you want other people to think that’s what you are?” “You can’t do anything right, you’re lucky I put up with you, nobody else ever will.” Don’t let this bring you down, recognize this for exactly what it is, abuse. Someone trying to make you doubt yourself. Remember that you have value and worth, and that you don’t deserve to be treated that way.
Now that you know the signs and if you have decided to move on, here are a few things to help with the process. SAFETY IS NUMBER ONE!!!!!!
Your Safety and the safety of your children are number one and not negotiable. Make a safety plan, know when the best time to leave will be Have somewhere you can go that will be safe, while you put your life back together Learn their triggers and how to avoid them, if you have children make sure they will be safe as well Leave any nonessential belongings. You can buy a new wardrobe, you can’t buy another life Don’t Respond with violence, unless you have to defend your life. It will immediately escalate things. Let them know where you are going Leave them anyway to find you. Pick up a pre-paid cell phone. If your car has a tracking device, disable it. Think of anything else that can be used to find you, and remove it from your life. These are only a few of the things you can do when leaving an abusive or dangerous relationship. It’s a long hard road, but you don’t have to be a victim. You can take control of your life and make sure you are safe. No one deserves to abused or live in fear for themselves and their children or loved ones. For additional information, resources, or help 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or TDD at 1-800-787-3224, or visit their website at www.thehotline.org.
Modern life is full of demands. In today's world, multi-tasking is a necessary skill set, not a choice. There is no escape. In fact, the rapid pace of daily life, in the 21st century, is often referred to as "Moving at the speed of business". This translates into stress at the 'Nth' degree. So what does an average day is this ever changing, constantly moving, life on the go look like? Is it really overwhelming, or have people forgotten how to work hard? On the contrary, in today's modern age, many people work and go to school, while others work and try to raise a family, and still others work, go to school, and raise families. Throw in the daily commute, deadlines, sports for the kids, family obligations, and we can clearly see how the stress just keeps mounting. So what happens when our stress level is never relieved? For most people, this results in self neglect, anger, and resentment. Clearly, we have to give up something to meet the demands of daily life. Because the time has to come from somewhere, for many people this means skipping meals or eating fast food, some days there isn't even time to shower let alone style hair or keep up nails, and certainly no time for the gym. As the pressure continues to build, fueled by months and years of self denial, the hamster wheel of modern life grows into a volcano waiting to erupt fed by a steady diet of stress, repressed anger, and resentment which then manifests as fighting with family, partners, yelling at the kids, and possible health concerns. In more extreme cases, this type of unrelenting stress can result in marital discord, depression, anxiety, and family conflict. According to the Mayo Clinic, physical symptoms correlated with stress levels of this caliber often include high blood pressure, anxiety, weight gain/loss, frequent illness, and visible signs of poor self care (https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&rlz=1C1RNBN_enUS464US485&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#). In short, the correlation between stress and anger is clear and something must and will give. The question is, at what cost? Will it be physical health, mental health, or family stability? In order to offset the impact of stress associated with modern life, an intervention strategy designed to maximize time while offering maximum results is needed. Of the various stress reducing supports available, the following techniques appear to offer the most benefit in the least amount to time: 1) Creating balance - Making you the priority: a) Work with partner/family to create equal distribution of duties b) Restructure schedules to afford 1 hour a day of uninterrupted personal time c) Work with family/friends to create parenting co-op to afford one or two date nights a month 2) Stress Reduction applications for smart phones: a) Breath to Relax (free) b) Anxiety Self Help (free) c) Cleveland Clinic Stress Meditations ($0.99) d) Stress Check ($1.99) e) Pocket Yoga ($2.99) 3) Additional smart phone resources for stress or crisis management: a) http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/09/20/top-10-free-mental-health-apps/ b) http://www.argonautsoftware.com/articles/smartphone-apps-for-managing-stress.html Although there is no cure for modern life, there are ways to manage and/or reduce day to day stress. Balance is the key, and with careful planning quality of life is truly achievable. The key, is to recognize the signs and symptoms of stress overload before they hit critical mass. If you, or a loved one, have begun to demonstrate the following clinical signs or symptoms of stress, professional intervention is strongly suggested: 1) Frequent headaches, jaw clenching or pain, teeth gritting/grinding 2) Neck ache, back pain, muscle spasms 3) Light headedness, faintness, dizziness, ringing in the ears or popping 4 Irritable, easily annoyed, angry 5) Frequent colds, infections, herpes sores, rashes, itching, hives, “goose bumps”, unexplained or frequent “allergy” attacks 6) Heartburn, stomach pain, nausea 7) Weight gain or loss of more than 5 pounds 8) Diminished or lack of sexual desire For further information, or to consult regarding symptoms or concerns, please contact your local healthcare or mental health professional, or visit the American Stress Institute online at www.stress.org
Rest in peace Leelah Alcorn(#LeelahAlcorn). Leelah’s death, by her own hand, is a tragic and unnecessary loss of a young and vibrant human being. Consequently, her death is a wake up call for American society. We, as a society, need to increase our awareness of the needs of transgender youth, and legislate laws to support access to positive gender expression, ASAP, to prevent future transgender suicides. How a person expresses their gender is a social construct. We, as a first world society, need to wake up and recognize that only biology is assigned at birth. How we identify, i.e., male/female, is cultural, taught in the home, and reinforced socially in the community (school/church/synagogue/temple). This is termed positive gender expression. In the United States education is institutionalized; and as such, math, science, reading, etc. are taught in school. We now teach nutrition in school. The question then becomes when do we, as a first world society, begin teaching tolerance and choice? When do we institutionalize humanity? Should we not teach this in school as well? Is this not as important as math, science, or nutrition? At present, parental consent is not required to obtain birth control. In California, if a teen age 12 or above is at risk and meets medical necessity they are able to obtain mental health services without parental consent. However, a transgender youth in crisis is not allowed to determine their gender identification and receive services to support positive gender expression? This is not acceptable. How many more lives do we need to lose before making the appropriate changes to support positive gender expression? We cannot allow Leelah’s death to be an empty tragedy. Instead, let us honor her death by giving it the meaning she requested in her suicide note (http://www.bing.com/search?q=Leelah%20Alcorn&form=PRNWBW&mkt=en-US&refig=27602cce3f714e8e82aaf3bd96bd7d18&filters=tnTID%3A%227C93FC78-DD64-4600-9657-306A2B088BAF%22+bwt%3A%22mixbingnowv2%2Cirank%3Dnews%2Cnoc%3D1%2Cfco%3DPRNWBW%2Cprm%3Dmp1%2Cfcwbg%3D1%2Cnc%3D1%2Cwo%3D300px%2Cho%3D556px%2Cmad%3D10000000%2Cprmt%3D1%2Cadsr%3D1%22+bwh%3A%22556px%22+bww%3A%22300px%22+bwu%3A%22host%2Bwww.msn.com%22+bwmkt%3A%22en-US%22+bwq%3A%22Leelah%20Alcorn%22). Let us honor her last request and gather as a society to advocate for change today!!!!! For further information about transgender youth, or for resources/referrals for supportive servcies, please visit http://www.lalgbtcenter.org or call 1-323-993-7400 today.
It happens every year. Shortly after Halloween, the Holiday season begins. It starts with the retail ads, picks up speed in the grocery stores, and often consumes the work place and community, then before you know it the tidal wave of “good cheer” has taken over everyday life. Except, many people don’t feel very cheerful. In fact, at times, many people find themselves simultaneously dreading and resenting the Holidays. Indeed, some may even find themselves identifying with Ebeneezer Scrooge, in that they are inexplicably feeling angry, bitter, sad, resentful, overwhelmed, lonely, and disconnected. However, if you or someone you love believe have identified many, if not all, of the symptoms of “Scrooge-itis” this does not mean you secretly dislike children, nor that you will suddenly become miserly, greedy, or mean. What these symptoms may mean is that you or a loved one may be struggling with unresolved Grief and Loss, Traumatic Grief, Trauma, Abandonment issues, or concerns otherwise deemed “The Holiday Blues.” The good news is you, or your loved one, is not ALONE! Thousands of people feel the exact same way each and every year. The importance of recognizing the signs and symptoms associated with “The Holiday Blues” and seeking professional help is the key to successfully coping with the holiday season. If you, or a loved one, are experiencing several or more of the following symptoms seek immediate assistance from a mental health professional in your area, or call the National Crisis Hotline 24 hours a day at 1-800-273-8255 www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org: 1) Sadness 2) Tearfulness 3) Hopelessness 4) Isolating 5) Unexplained loss of Interest in previously enjoyed hobbies or activities 6) Unexplained loss of appetite 7) Unexplained increase in appetite 8) Unexplained anger/irritability 9) Disrupted Sleep 10) Inability to focus 11) Increased use of alcohol 12) Suicidal Ideation 13) Homicidal Ideation 14) Poor hygiene/lack of desire to bath/brush teeth 15) Increased absences at work or school For more information, or referrals, regarding coping with the Holiday Blues help is just a phone call away. Call 211, 1-800-854-7771 or visit www.healthycity.org or www.namila.org/crisis-hotlines-hospitals For life threatening emergencies or immediate assistance call 911. Remember, you are not alone! Happy Holidays from All of Us at North Valley Anger Management Consultants! For more information about our anger, stress, and domestic violence programs call 1-888-992-6479 or visit www.nvamc.com.
According to Fox News, Baltimore Ravens player Ray Rice publicly apologized to his wife on Monday, 9/8/14, and said she can "do no wrong," just months after he allegedly struck his then-fiancee and was caught on video dragging her from an Atlantic City elevator. It was the first time the running back answered questions about the Feb. 15 incident, which earned him a two-game suspension from the NFL. "What happened that night is something that never should have happened," Rice, 27, said. He called the violent incident his "lowest low" and expressed concern that his 2-year-old daughter with wife Janay Palmer would one day learn about her dad's mistake on Google. "It hurts because I can't go out there and play football, but it hurts more because I have to be a father and explain what happened to my daughter," he said. Rice declined to say what triggered the incident, saying he just wants to move forward with his family. "My actions that night were totally inexcusable," he said. Rice called his wife an "angel" and said he let her, her parents, his teammates and the entire Baltimore community down. He also brought up his mother. "I know that's not who I am as a man," Rice said. "That's not who my mom raised me to be. If anyone knows me they know I was raised by a single parent and that was my mother." He also said that "when the time is right," he and Palmer want to help other couples affected by domestic abuse. Rice called the violent fight a "one-time incident." Although Rice was arrested following the altercation, in which he allegedly struck Palmer and has been accepted into a diversion program concern remains regarding the example and influence set by such high profile public figures to the public and most especially to impressionable youth. Apologies aside, true repentance can only be demonstrated by Rice fulfilling his commitment to his family and to the youth of this great nation who look up to Rice as a role model. I am certain Mr. Rice does not want his daughter to believe hitting women is what angry men do, thus growing up to marry an abuser is simply the lot of women. If you, or someone you love, is in a domestic violence relationship, help is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. For further information, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit www.thehotline.org. If you or someone you love is in imminent danger please dial 911 from any telephone immediately. The Associated Press contributed to this report
NFL Imposes Domestic Violence Penalties With Lifetime Ban For Second Offense Coming under increased pressure, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell sent a memo to all 32 of the league’s owners informing them of severe penalties that can now be imposed for matters of domestic violence. A six-game suspension for a first offense would be levied and a lifetime ban for a second offense would affect players in the NFL. Recently Goodell came under fire for only giving Ray Rice a two-game suspension for assaulting his girlfriend while Cleveland Browns receiver Josh Gordon has been suspended an entire season after failing a second drug test, reportedly for marijuana. In making the change, Goodell appears to be addressing not only that, but sending a message to all other sports leagues about the need to increase penalties for domestic violence. Goodell said that the league had fallen short of its goals in reference to the Ray Rice suspension. “I didn’t get it right” Goodell writes in the memo. “Simply put, we have to do better. And we will.” Goodell said that he had reviewed the Personal Conduct Policy of the NFL and decided that changes needed to be made, and outlined them in several steps meant to correct the issue of domestic violence. “These steps are based on a clear, simple principle: domestic violence and sexual assault are wrong,” Goodell wrote. “They are illegal” adding that “they have no place in the NFL.” The policy does not only impact players, but non-players, as well. Goodell noted that the league will continue to work with leading experts to expand the scope of education on domestic violence and sexual assault for all NFL personnel — players and non-players. On top of that, Player Engagement Directors, Human Resource Executives and other appropriate team personnel at each club in the NFL will undergo comprehensive training to help them understand and identify risk factors associated with domestic violence and sexual assault. For those that are at risk, Goodell has directed the clubs to offer private, confidential assistance. Goodell said that the league would expand its efforts to promote awareness at all levels of football that the NFL has connections to including high school and college levels. He also added that he would seek potential participation of current and former players, coaches and families who have been affected and are willing to speak out about domestic violence. The NFL Players Association was notified of the policy change, but as the matter is considered under personal conduct, Goodell was able to make the change unilaterally. Still, the union for the players made it clear that given the severity, they would be closely engaged. “We were informed today of the NFL’s decision to increase penalties on domestic violence offenders under the Personal Conduct Policy for all NFL employees,” the NFLPA said in a statement. “As we do in all disciplinary matters, if we believe that players’ due process rights are infringed upon during the course of discipline, we will assert and defend our members’ rights.” Below is the text of Commissioner Goodell’s memo: Since becoming Commissioner, my focus has been on ensuring that the NFL is held in the highest regard by our fans, players, business partners, and public authorities. My commitment has always been to do what is right and to protect the integrity of the game, both now and long into the future. Recently, we have addressed issues of respect — respect for co-workers, opponents, fans, game officials, and others. Whether in the context of workplace conduct, advancing policies of diversity and inclusion, or promoting professionalism in all we do, our mission has been to create and sustain model workplaces filled with people of character. Although the NFL is celebrated for what happens on the field, we must be equally vigilant in what we do off the field. At times, however, and despite our best efforts, we fall short of our goals. We clearly did so in response to a recent incident of domestic violence. We allowed our standards to fall below where they should be and lost an important opportunity to emphasize our strong stance on a critical issue and the effective programs we have in place. My disciplinary decision led the public to question our sincerity, our commitment, and whether we understood the toll that domestic violence inflicts on so many families. I take responsibility both for the decision and for ensuring that our actions in the future properly reflect our values. I didn’t get it right. Simply put, we have to do better. And we will. The public response reinforced my belief that the NFL is held to a higher standard, and properly so. Much of the criticism stemmed from a fundamental recognition that the NFL is a leader, that we do stand for important values, and that we can project those values in ways that have a positive impact beyond professional football. We embrace this role and the responsibility that comes with it. We will listen openly, engage our critics constructively, and seek continuous improvement in everything we do. We will use this opportunity to create a positive outcome by promoting policies of respect for women both within and outside of the workplace. We will work with nationally recognized experts to ensure that the NFL has a model policy on domestic violence and sexual assault. We will invest time and resources in training, programs and services that will become part of our culture. And we will increase the sanctions imposed on NFL personnel who violate our policies. In the past few weeks, I have reviewed all aspects of our Personal Conduct Policy and met with a wide range of experts (several of whom we have been working with for some time), as well as with the NFLPA and many of you. Those discussions will continue. They have helped us to identify a number of steps that will better communicate our position and strengthen our policies on domestic violence and sexual assault. These steps are based on a clear, simple principle: domestic violence and sexual assault are wrong. They are illegal. They have no place in the NFL and are unacceptable in any way, under any circumstances. That has been and remains our policy. Many of you have done excellent work in this field, both personally and through the efforts of concerned players and your community relations and player engagement departments. Our goals are to prevent violence, impose appropriate discipline, provide professional support resources when appropriate, and publicly embrace a leadership role on this issue. Consistent with that view, I have directed the following actions to reinforce and enhance our policies: First, we will continue our work with leading experts to expand the scope of our education on domestic violence and sexual assault for all NFL personnel — players and non-players. This will include enhanced training for entering players through the Rookie Symposium and Rookie Success Program, as well as new programs designed for veteran players and other NFL personnel. All NFL personnel — players and non-players — will receive information about available league resources and local support and advocacy groups in their community. Second, our club Player Engagement Directors, Human Resource Executives, and other appropriate team personnel will undergo comprehensive training to help them understand and identify risk factors associated with domestic violence and sexual assault. Any person identified as being at risk will be afforded private, confidential assistance. Persons who decline this assistance will be held accountable for that decision in determining discipline for any subsequent act of domestic violence or sexual assault. This is a complicated matter and must be approached with care. We will work with experts to identify strategies based on the most reliable research, recognizing that violence can and does take different forms but generally involves a pattern of coercive behavior. Third, we will ensure that the NFL LifeLine and NFL Total Wellness Program are staffed with personnel trained to provide prompt and confidential assistance to anyone at risk of domestic violence or sexual assault – whether as a victim or potential aggressor. Information regarding these resources will be furnished to all NFL personnel and their families. Our Player Engagement Directors and Human Resource Executives will meet with team spouses and significant others to ensure that they are aware of the resources available to them as NFL family members, including the ability to seek confidential assistance through independent local resources, as well as through the club or the NFL Total Wellness Program. In this respect, we will utilize our existing, established telephone and on-line programs, and will communicate the full range of available services to all NFL personnel and their families. Fourth, the outside groups we met with have emphasized that the NFL can play an important role in communities throughout the nation. Consistent with that advice, we will expand the educational components in our college, high school and youth football programs that address domestic violence and sexual assault. We will seek to create and promote programs that develop the character of the young men who play, coach or manage our game, emphasizing respect for women and appropriate ways to resolve conflicts. Outreach efforts embodied in these programs will help young people recognize, establish and maintain healthy relationships. In our earliest contact with young men, we can communicate our expectations, establish NFL standards of conduct, and stress the responsibility that all men have to adhere to those standards. Fifth, we recognize that domestic violence and sexual assault are broad social issues, affecting millions of people. We want our public role to be both constructive and effective. In the coming months, we will explore meaningful ways to incorporate domestic violence and sexual assault awareness and prevention into our public service work. We will do this with the assistance of responsible outside organizations and the potential participation of current and former players, coaches and families who have been affected and are willing to speak out. Actions we take in this respect will be sensitive, thoughtful and will recognize the positive role models and high character presented by so many men in the NFL. Finally, and consistent with our Personal Conduct Policy, our own response to domestic violence or sexual assault incidents by NFL personnel will include new elements of evaluation, treatment and family support, as well as enhanced discipline. We will address these issues fairly and thoughtfully, respecting the rights of all involved and giving proper deference to law enforcement and the courts. If someone is charged with domestic violence or sexual assault, there will be a mandatory evaluation and, where professionally indicated, counseling or other specialized services. Effective immediately, violations of the Personal Conduct Policy regarding assault, battery, domestic violence or sexual assault that involve physical force will be subject to a suspension without pay of six games for a first offense, with consideration given to mitigating factors, as well as a longer suspension when circumstances warrant. Among the circumstances that would merit a more severe penalty would be a prior incident before joining the NFL, or violence involving a weapon, choking, repeated striking, or when the act is committed against a pregnant woman or in the presence of a child. A second offense will result in banishment from the NFL; while an individual may petition for reinstatement after one year, there will be no presumption or assurance that the petition will be granted. These disciplinary standards will apply to all NFL personnel. With very few exceptions, NFL personnel conduct themselves in an exemplary way. But even one case of domestic violence or sexual assault is unacceptable. The reality is that domestic violence and sexual assault are often hidden crimes, ones that are under-reported and under-acknowledged. The steps we are taking will reinforce our commitment to address this issue constructively. In addition to focusing on domestic violence and sexual assault, we will continue to maintain strong policies regarding weapons offenses. We are similarly working to strengthen our response to impaired driving. We have sought – unsuccessfully – for several years to obtain the NFLPA’s agreement to more stringent discipline for DUI, including mandatory deactivation for the game immediately following an arrest and a minimum two-game suspension for a first violation of law. We will continue to press our position on this issue in the hope of securing the union’s agreement. There are three steps that each club should take promptly: first, post and distribute the attached “Memorandum to All NFL Personnel” to every player under contract to your club; second, ensure that your head coach reviews the information in that notice with his staff and with all your players; and third, share this letter and the attached Memorandum with all members of your organization, including your team president, General Manager, Human Resources Executive, Security Director, and Player Engagement Director. In the coming weeks, we will contact all clubs on further steps to be taken in support of these initiatives. I am grateful for the thoughtful advice received from so many of you and for the support that I know you will give to this important work. MEMORANDUM TO ALL NFL PERSONNEL Domestic violence and sexual assault are wrong. They are illegal. They are never acceptable and have no place in the NFL under any circumstances. Our Personal Conduct Policy has long made clear that domestic violence and sexual assault are unacceptable. We clearly must do a better job of addressing these incidents in the NFL. And we will. Earlier today, I sent NFL owners a letter that identified specific actions we will take to improve our response to domestic violence and sexual assault. Those actions include the following: • All NFL Personnel will participate in new and enhanced educational programs on domestic violence and sexual assault. We will also increase our outreach to college and youth football programs. • Families will receive detailed information about available services and resources, both through the club and independent of the club. These resources and services will be available to employees and their families on a confidential basis. • Violations of the Personal Conduct Policy regarding assault, battery, domestic violence and sexual assault that involve physical force will be subject to enhanced discipline. A first offense will be subject to a suspension of six weeks without pay. Mitigating circumstances will be considered, and more severe discipline will be imposed if there are aggravating circumstances such as the presence or use of a weapon, choking, repeated striking, or when the act is committed against a pregnant woman or in the presence of a child. A second offense will result in banishment from the league; an offender may petition for reinstatement after one year but there is no assurance that the petition will be granted. These disciplinary consequences apply to all NFL personnel. If you believe that you or someone you know may be at risk of domestic violence or other misconduct, we strongly encourage you to seek assistance through your club’s director of player engagement, human resources department, the NFL LifeLine or an independent local domestic violence resource. Help is available and can prevent potentially tragic incidents. For further information please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 today, or visit www.thehotline.org Help is available 24 hours a day 365 days a year.
1. Your partner put you down verbally, in private, or in front of others. 2. Your partner tells you he/she loves you, but their behavior shows otherwise. 3. Your partner doesn't want you to see, or talk, two friends or family. 4. Your partner is jealous of the time you spend with your kids. 5. Your partner shows up often at your work unexpectedly or opens your mail. 6. Your partner calls you often to see what you're doing. 7. You cry often, or feel depressed, over your relationship. 8. Your partner says you would have the perfect relationship if YOU would change. 9. Your partner want you to be dependent upon them. 10. Your partner does things, and then uses them to make you feel obligated. 11. Your thoughts, opinions, accomplishments, or words, our devalued. 12. You don't know who you are anymore without him/her, or how you would survive. 13. Your friends/family don't like your partner, or don't think he/she is good for you. 14. You have changed things about yourself to suit your partner, even when it is not to your taste. 15. You always go where your partner wants to like the movies, restaurants, etc. 16. Your partner has made you feel afraid, or unsafe, and you have been afraid to speak the truth at times for fear of upsetting him/her open [walking on eggshells]. 17. You don't feel you have control of your life anymore. 18. Your self-esteem is lower since you've been with your partner. 19. You think it's up to you to make the relationship work. 20. You keep secrets about your relationship from others who love you because they wouldn't understand. 21. Your partner makes you feel unattractive, or stupid. 22. Your partner accuses you of cheating and is overly jealous. 23. Your partner can be really sweet to you one minute, and really mean the next. 24. Your partner seems really sweet/loving to you when he/she thinks you are about to leave the relationship, or after he/she has been mean to you. 25. You can't remember the last time you felt happy for more than a few days straight. If you have answered yes to five (5), or more, of these toxic relationship identifiers, you may be in a toxic relationship. Toxicity is a red flag for domestic violence. For more information and a free consultation, please call 1-888-992-6479 or visit our website at www.nvamc.com.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS AGGRAVATED ASSAULT!
Don't Live in Fear of Domestic Violence ! If you, or someone you love, is living with domestic violence help is available 24 hours a day. Take the first step and make a phone call; you may be saving a life. For further information, please call the following numbers 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Domestic Violence Hotline 800-978-3600 National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE (7233) TDD 800-787-3224 Domestic violence is more than just a "family problem"; it is a crime. The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) recognizes that domestic violence is a major problem in Los Angeles County and throughout the United States. Each year, more than two million women are victims of domestic violence, and one million children are physically abused. In California, it is a crime for any person to threaten, beat, sexually assault or otherwise harm another person, even if they are married. Battering is not exclusively a crime against women, but they are the majority affected. One of every two families in the United States is involved in domestic violence at some time. Domestic violence is a repetitive pattern in people's lives. Victims or witnesses of domestic violence in childhood are mostly likely to repeat such acts as adults. The current incidence of domestic violence cannot be tolerated. Too many women are beaten. Too many children are abused. Too many homes are battlegrounds. There is a way out! Victims do not need to submit and lead a life of tension between calm and storm. If you are a victim of domestic violence, now is the time to start thinking about protecting yourself. The fact that you are seeking assistance is a very good sign. It means you are seriously considering your situation. Calling the police, telling a friend, or contacting a shelter is the first step. Please don't wait until it is too late. Many studies show that an uninterrupted cycle of violence only worsens over time. Hotlines and shelters are there to be used and counseling is available. It's as close as a phone call and it's free. Let us help you. Stop the violence and stay safe! If you would like further information about domestic violence or other mental health services, please call 1-888-992-6479. Your consultation is free and confidential.
With today's hectic schedule managing stress is an even more important key to successful anger management. Statistically, how we conceptualize the various demands in our lives and the emotional value we place on each of these many stresses makes all the difference in our ability to successfully juggle the often overwhelming demands of modern life, which broadly translates into how well we manage our anger. When we pair this combination with the very human tendency to protect our feelings by not talking about how we feel it equals a recipe for stressed out and angry people. Critically, the following example illustrates the connection between internalized thoughts and feelings and the enormous difference sharing our emotional burdens (internalized thoughts and feelings) with friends, family, or professional providers can make in the successful management of anger and stress. " A young lady confidently walks around a room while explaining anger and stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone in the room thought she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?' She fooled them all .... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile. Many answers were called out ranging from 8 oz. to 20 oz. She replied , "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on." "As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night. Metaphorical Tips to Help Successfully Manage Anger and Stress: 1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue! 2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet just in case you have to eat them. 3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. 4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker. 5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. 6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 8 * Never buy a car you can't push. 9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on. 10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. 11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late. 12 * The second mouse gets the cheese. 13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live. 15 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once. 16 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box. 17 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. 18 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY 19 * Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate! References: "Out of The Rough" by Fred Arnold
Everyone has been wronged at one time or another. Whether it was our trust being broken, our feelings hurt, or a physical or material transgression, at some point the sense of violation that comes with feeling victimized is a universally shared emotion. The question is, do we allow the wrong that was done to define or consume us, or do we let go of our righteous anger and forgive? According to Rosemary Thornton, in an article on Wikihow, “One of the thorniest and most difficult things we humans are ever called upon to do is to respond to evil with kindness, and to forgive the unforgivable. We love to read stories about people who have responded to hatred with love, but when that very thing is demanded of us personally, our default seems to be anger, angst (dread or anguish), depression, self-righteousness, hatred, etc. Your enemy may not deserve to be forgiven for all the pain and sadness and suffering purposefully inflicted on your life, but you deserve to be free of this evil. “Remember, forgiving a transgression does not mean you accept the wrong that was committed against you. What is does mean is that you have chosen to acknowledge the bad behavior, try to find a way to learn or grow from the experience, and move on. Holding on to the anger that comes from feeling wronged only exhausts and consumes us. In fact, it can even keep us trapped in an endless cycle of hurt and anger in which we ruminate upon the event by retelling the story over and over. As the great Buddha said, "Anger is like a hot coal, if you hold onto it you will be burned, therefore, you must let it go.” For more information on the connection between anger, rumination, and forgiveness please visit our website at www.nvamc.com, or call 1-888.992.6479 today. Recognizing the connection is the first step to letting go.
Dear Family, Friends, and Colleagues, Please join us on Saturday, April 12, 2014, between 11:30 am to 2:00 pm for a BBQ and Ribbon Cutting Ceremony to celebrate the opening of our new office in Mission Hills, CA. You might even meet some nice people and make a new friend! Please know how much we appreciate all of the support and referrals that have come through your continued support of our program and mission, "Better Tomorrows Begin Today" at North Valley Anger Management Consultants (NVAMC). Please RSVP to firstname.lastname@example.org Warmest regards, North Valley Anger Management Consultants 10550 Sepulveda Blvd Suite # 116 Mission Hills, CA 91345
Good Self Care Reduces Angry Outbursts Self-care is a critical part of overall good health, but it is also a key component in managing our emotions. When self-care is neglected, one of the first warning signs is increased irritability and anger towards family and friends. In fact, successfully managing angry outbursts often depends on how well we manage our day to day responsibilities. Good self-care means good stress/anger management. Consequently, balance in all areas of day to day life is often the key. Below is a self-care plan template published by Social Tech.Com. Notice the three areas of focus are the mind, body, and spirit. These represent the three domains of life (work/home/relationships). To achieve a healthy balance, equal attention and nurturing must be given to all three areas. Too much stress, or too much time devoted to any one area can cause increased stress and lead to anger, irritability and outbursts. For more information regarding anger management, stress management, and self-care please feel free to visit our website at www.nvamc.com or call 1-888-992-6479.
At the Seattle Special Olympics, nine contestants, all with physical or mental challenges, assembled at the starting line for the 100 meter dash. When the starting gun sounded they all started out, not exactly in a dash, but with a relish to run the race till the finish and win. All, that is, except one little boy who stumbled on the asphalt, tumbled over a couple times, and began to cry. The other eight contestants heard the boy cry. The other contestants slowed down and looked back. Then they all turned around and went back......every single one of them. One girl with Downs Syndrome bent down and kissed the little boy and said, "this will make it better." Then all nine linked arms and walked together to the finish line. Everyone in the stadium stood up and cheered for several minutes. People who were there are still telling the story. Why? Because deep down we know this one thing: What matters in this life is more than winning for ourselves. What matters in this life is helping others win, even if it means slowing down and changing our course. If you pass this on, we may be able to change our hearts as well as someone else's. Remember, "A candle looses nothing by lighting another candle." E. Pasztor.
With the Holidays behind us, and the New Year on the horizon, you can almost feel the world expelling a massive sigh of relief; all at once. In fact, you can almost hear people saying, “I've made it through another year!” Annual survivors are older, and hopefully a little wiser, with money lost and gained, many having hearts broken and mended, new friends made and opportunities experienced and explored. The world threw all it had at me, and I kept on coming. Rejoice, now is the time of new beginnings. You get to dust off the previous year and start anew. Reflect on who you were and what you did, and envision who you will be and what you have yet to do. Reinvention and renewal await us all within the New Year. However, as exciting as all this can be, the New Year is also a time of great fear and trepidation, regret and indecision. Will I fall into the same patterns that I always have? Am I ready to change? What if I fail? These questions and many others often race through our heads and weigh heavy on our hearts as we prepare for the New Year. For some, these reflections may change the way they view the world and the people in it. It may even seem like they are against you, and you have little to no chance at change and happiness. Remember, the future is a blank slate. It is up to you, to snuff out these nagging thoughts and doubts. To say I will try, because if I don’t I have already failed. The path can be long and uneven, full of loose stones that cause you to stumble. Know that it isn’t if you fall, but rather how you choose to regain your stride when you do. Be firm in your decision, and stay committed to whatever direction you have chosen. Challenges await, but so does victory. Happy New Year from all of us at North Valley Anger Management Consultants! For more information about North valley Anger Management Consultants and our services, please visit our website at www.nvamc.com or call us at 1-888-992-6479.
The twelve days of Christmas are upon us! As the days grow shorter and the Holiday "to do" list grows longer, emotions often get out of control taking the joy of Christmas with them. Below are twelve tips to support the healthy management of anger, frustration, and other emotions to help keep your family's Christmas experience happy and filled with joy:
On the first day of Christmas
: Reduce stress by managing your time carefully and not over-scheduling yourself. Take time for yourself!
On the second day of Christmas:
Adjust your expectations of family members. No, Uncle Bill hasn't changed since last year. Tell yourself that you only have to see her once a year- you can cope with it.
On the third day of Christmas
: Limit the amount of time you spend with stressful family members. Remember the "spirit" of the season can be shared just as well with brief quality time.
On the fourth day of Christmas
: Work on increasing your forgiveness skills. Let old resentments go. Holding grudges hurts you more than your relatives.
On the fifth day of Christmas:
Develop better empathy skills. Try to see the world from the viewpoint of irritating family members and you may be shocked at how your anger dissipates.
On the sixth day of Christmas
: Limit the amount of time you spend shopping and going to parties. Too many Holiday rounds only adds necessary expense and stress. Christmas isn't about buying gifts and going to parties. Remember the "spirit" of the season is about sharing love and quality time with family and friends.
On the seventh day of Christmas:
Watch carefully the amount of alcohol you consume. Many anger management students confess that excessive drinking definitely contributed to family conflict and aggression.
On the eighth day of Christmas:
Celebrating the Holidays doesn't have to be expensive. You can keep Christmas alive and well without going broke. Reconnect with the meaning of Christmas through religious or cultural practices.
On the ninth day of Christmas
: When you feel frustrated and your temper starts to rise, try counting to 10 slowly. Time out isn't just for kids! Before saying things you might regret, take a few moments to breathe deeply and count to 10.
On the tenth day of Christmas
: When Holiday spirits are flowing and your in the heat of the moment, it's easy to say something you'll later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything by counting to 20 backwards.
On the eleventh day of Christmas
: Forgive and forget! Don't allow anger and other negative feelings to get in the way of positive feelings that come with the season. You can do it!
On the twelfth day of Christmas:
Relax, breath and enjoy your family, friends and celebrate the Holiday! If your temper flares, use your relaxation skills. Practice deep-breathing exercises, imagine a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase, such as, "Tomorrow is Christmas." You can do it!
For more tips on how to deal with angry feelings, Holiday stress, or the angry behavior of others, call us at 1-888-992-6479 or visit our website at www.nvamc.com
Happy Holidays from North Valley Anger Management Consultants!
Anger Management Classes: Sunday Group
Is anger normal? Absolutely! Everyone feels angry. It’s what we do with the feeling of anger that matters. Per George Anderson, LCSW, anger is a normal human emotion. In fact, anger is one of the first indications that a person may feel emotionally injured. It is important to note that anger is a secondary emotion that exists to protect people from feeling the more vulnerable emotions such as hurt, loss, grief, fear, offended, attacked, frightened, lonely or sad. This is not an uncommon response, often initiated by our psyche during times of stress in response to the more sensitive feelings.
Aside from emotional protection, anger can instill motivation and energy that often produce positive outcomes. Some examples of the positive uses of anger were observed during Martin Luther King’s struggles to end discrimination in America, and Nelson Mandela whose struggle against South Africa mobilized most of the world against his adversaries, and Rosa Parks whose anger was the source of the Montgomery Bus Boycott. Another example of a positive outcome as a result of anger is that of Mahatma Gandhi, whose anger and resulting passive resistance stance against England occurred in direct response to Britain’s domination of India.
However, anger also has very negative connotations, and when out of control is often associated with unhealthy and abusive aspects of the human condition. Anger maybe considered a problem when it is too intense, occurs too frequently, is harmful to self or others, lasts too long or leads to aggression. Unfortunately, as the economy continues to struggle and the cost of living remains sky high; incidents of unhealthy anger and aggression have increased ten fold worldwide. This increase is visible across all sectors of our society including government, politics, professional sports, business, education, and medicine.
If you or someone you love is experiencing unhealthy levels of anger or aggression, their emotional intelligence may no longer be effectively managed at the individual or family level, and may require voluntary and mandated training in stress management, anger management, communication and impulse control.
For more information about managing stressful emotions, please visit our website at www.nvamc.com, or call us at 1-888-992-6479.
We often think the Holiday Season is everyone’s favorite time of year. The weather is cooling. The leaves are falling; the food is getting richer and more decadent. It’s the time of smiling faces, warm cozy fires, hearts full of joy, and families filled with love and togetherness right?
As pretty a picture as the media would try to sell us, we all know the truth. The Holidays are full of family stress, anger, conflict, and pressure. In fact, some of the following stress filled messages may be running through your mind right now. What will we make for dinner? Who is coming over? What is the budget looking like for presents this year? How do I stop myself from getting angry at the in-laws? Where will my family stay? Is there enough space in our house? Will the kids actually let me sleep today? Do I really want to have to talk to my brother, mother in law, cousin, other family members I don't like ?
With all these stresses and pressures a short temper, anger, and cranky snappy responses are bound to arise. All it takes is the smallest thing to set us off during family gatherings, which often leads to poor coping resulting in overeating and excess alcohol consumption. At times, this may seem like the only way to get through the Holiday Season. Admittedly, safely coping with the Christmas Season in a positive and healthy way is not always easy, but it can be done. Often, it is the little things that help the most. The following is a list of helpful tricks to help you cope:
1. Remember to breathe- the Holidays don’t last forever.
2. This too shall pass! Try to keep in mind that even with all the build up, expectations and disappointment that often come with the season, ultimately they are just days, and you can get through them just like you do every other day that has come, or is yet to come.
3. Be aware of your mood and tone of voice, your body language.
4. It's not all about you! Other people are stressed too. Don't take other peoples moods and behaviors personally.
5. Please remember that alcohol only adds to the problem, and can be down right dangerous. Keeping the Holiday cheer in check will help keep the anger and stress in check too.
It helps when you realize that everyone else is just as stressed as you are. You are not alone; just smile, relax and try to enjoy what you can. Remember, you are the only one who can keep yourself safe, sober, and under control. For information and assistance coping with holiday stress, please visit our website at www.nvamc.com or call us toll free at 1-888-992-6479 today.
Happy Holidays from North Valley Anger Management Consultants
The Thanksgiving Holiday season kicks off a five week period of time that brings back memories of happiness and accomplishment for millions of people. This special day is filled with family traditions, memories, and expectations that some people find difficult, or impossible, to manage. Frequently, our anticipation and excitement turns into feelings of depression, commonly called the holiday blues. Symptoms can include headaches, insomnia, uneasiness, anxiety, sadness, intestinal problems, and unnecessary conflict with family and friends. Part of what happens during the holiday season, in terms of mood changes and anxiety, may occur because of the stressfulness of holiday events, while other aspects of mood change and anxiety may be rooted in unresolved grief and loss. Irregardless, the challenge comes from coping with these feelings in a safe and positive manner. Unfortunately, many people deal with the uncomfortable and often overwhelming feelings by overdrinking, overeating, and overspending. It may be important to note that these feelings of sadness and depression can reach a clinical level during the holiday season. If you, or someone you love, begin to have thoughts of suicide, homicide, or other high risk or self injurious behaviors, please seek professional help immediately, or call the crisis hotline at (714) NEW-HOPE (714) 639-4673. The hotline is available24 hours a day, seven (7) days a week. The demands of the season are many and varied: shopping, cooking, travel, houseguests, family reunions, office parties and extra financial burdens are part of the short list as the season unfolds. Our current recessionary economy may still be affecting us, or someone close to us, which further exacerbates stress levels leaving many feeling even more depressed. Keeping our lives in perspective on this special day of sharing and caring, can make a big difference in how well we are able to cope with the extra stress and uncomfortable feelings. The following tips are something for people to consider to help manage the additional stress and anxiety that this special day carries. Remembering that even though it feels uncomfortable, sometimes family, friends, and co-workers may lose sight of the feelings of other people during this busy holiday season. It is not personal! Being considerate and compassionate toward others is a tough balancing act. The following recipe for Holiday Harmony is worth your consideration.
C.A.R.E.S. recipe for Happy Holidays:
1. Communication: Keep it positive with an extra dose of active listening to make people feel like you really care. People feel more at ease when you are genuinely interested in a conversation.
2. Anger Management: Recognize your triggers and walk away from verbal conflicts before they escalate. It’s ok to “put your temper in the crock pot before you lose your top”. It’s ok to ask for a time out when your upset, frustrated, or feeling flustered from negative emotions. It’s ok to cool off and regroup.
3. Relationship Management: Plan your day and company with positive people. This is a special challenge when large groups come together. Please consider this time as a few hours of compromise when that obnoxious family member or person makes their cameo appearance with other people you care about.
4. Emotional Intelligence: Please consider other peoples thoughts, feelings and opinions before taking a stand or making a comment to someone else. Please remember we have two ears to listen twice as much as we speak. Interrupting a conversation is considered to be inconsiderate or rude behavior. Please remember your tongue is the strongest muscle in your body. The words you choose can easily overwhelm another person in a negative way if your tone, body language or lack of consideration are not well measured.
5. Stress Management: Develop an awareness of your negative stressors and consider writing them down if your memory banks are easily overwhelmed. Remember that “failing to plan is planning to fail”. Time and financial management are critical especially during the busy holiday season.
Happy Thanksgiving from all of us at North Valley Anger Management Consultants! For further information regarding anger management, emotional intelligence, or domestic violence, please call 1-888-992-6479 or visit our website at www.nvamc.com
. For further information regarding crisis intervention please call 1-714-NEW HOPE (714-639-4673) or visit www.suicidehotlines.com
It happens every year. Shortly after Halloween, the Holiday season begins. It starts with the retail ads, picks up speed in the grocery stores, and often consumes the work place and community, then before you know it the tidal wave of “good cheer” has taken over everyday life. Except, many people don’t feel very cheerful. In fact, at times, many people find themselves simultaneously dreading and resenting the Holidays. Indeed, some may even find themselves identifying with Ebeneezer Scrooge, in that they are inexplicably feeling angry, bitter, sad, resentful, overwhelmed, lonely, and disconnected. However, if you or someone you love believe have identified many, if not all, of the symptoms of “Scrooge-itis” this does not mean you secretly dislike children, nor that you will suddenly become miserly, greedy, or mean. What these symptoms may mean is that you or a loved one may be struggling with unresolved Grief and Loss, Traumatic Grief, Trauma, Abandonment issues, or concerns otherwise deemed “The Holiday Blues.” The good news is you, or your loved one, is not ALONE! Thousands of people feel the exact same way each and every year. The importance of recognizing the signs and symptoms associated with “The Holiday Blues” and seeking professional help is the key to successfully coping with the holiday season. If you, or a loved one, are experiencing several or more of the following symptoms seek immediate assistance from a mental health professional in your area, or call the National Crisis Hotline 24 hours a day at 1-800-273-8255 www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
5) Unexplained loss of Interest in previously enjoyed hobbies or activities
6) Unexplained loss of appetite
7) Unexplained increase in appetite
8) Unexplained anger/irritability
9) Disrupted Sleep
10) Inability to focus
11) Increased use of alcohol
12) Suicidal Ideation
13) Homicidal Ideation
14) Poor hygiene/lack of desire to bath/brush teeth
15) Increased absences at work or school
For more information, or referrals, regarding coping with the Holiday Blues help is just a phone call away. Call 211, 1-800-854-7771 or visit www.healthycity.org
For life threatening emergencies or immediate assistance call 911. Remember, you are not alone!
Happy Holidays from All of Us at North Valley Anger Management Consultants!
For more information about our anger, stress, and domestic violence programs call 1-888-992-6479 or visit www.nvamc.com
• Master the use of assertive communication: Substitute “I messages” in place of “You messages”, i.e., “I feel angry” as opposed to “You make me so mad.” Stop blaming your partner. You are responsible for your feelings. Own them!
• Practice active listening: Quite simply put, stop talking, stop reacting, and listen! Instead, ask yourself, what is my partner really saying? What is the underlying need that is clearly not being met, and most likely the root of the concern? How can I support my partner to meet the need?
• Learn to use empathy to connect emotionally with others: Demonstrate awareness and concern for the needs, wants, and desires of loved ones. Instead of focusing only on yourself, consider how friends and family might be feeling.
• Commit to self-control at all times: Self regulation! Take ownership of your role in the relationship. Own your own actions, choices, and behaviors. Following any emotional situation, ask yourself what went well, and what can I do differently the next time?
• Practice monitoring your feelings frequently during the day: Check in with yourself. How do I feel? Am I tense? Do I have knots in my stomach? Are my fists clenched? Am I grinding my teeth? Are my shoulders tight? Do I feel hot? If you answer yes to any of the above, take a ten minute time out and do some slow deep breathing, count backwards from ten, or run your hands under cold water while slowly breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth.
• Learn to sense the feelings and needs of others: Pay attention to your friends, family, and loved ones. Do they appear upset? Sad? Hurt? Are there needs being met? Life is never one sided. Everyone has needs, and when needs are not met they become resentments that turn to anger that may be expressed inappropriately or drive a wedge between you and your loved one.
• Learn to lead by example: Demonstrate the behaviors, communication style, and way of being in the world you want to see more of from your friends, family, and loved ones. We cannot expect anyone to interact differently than we ourselves are displaying on a daily basis. Become the change you want to see!
“The sins of the father shall be visited upon the son” a very powerful and well known biblical
reference, from the book of Ezekiel,regarding the raising of one’s family to be righteous. In fact, when we consider the implications involved in parenting and raising a family, no truer words have ever been spoken, but not for the reasons one might think. Biblically, the inference of sinfulness is generally interpreted as impiety, and is avoided via the father teaching a familial pattern of pious worship.
So how does this infamous quote from scripture apply to the modern family and why is it relevant? This profound and insightful verse is speaking to the multi-generational system of learned behavior that exists within a family. The question then becomes, how do people learn? Cultural Anthropology suggests the most powerful form of learning is observational. Therefore, we learn what we live, which is to say that which we see every day determines how we behave with one another other.
Consequently, if a parent physically disciplines their children then so too will the children grow to hit their children when they misbehave. It follows then, that should the parent hit their partner in the presence of the child, then the child learns frustration is relieved and arguments are settled through physical force. In short, according to Jon Piper, “the sins of the fathers are punished in the children through becoming the sins of the children,” which is to say, through observation and experience children learn what they live.
Fortunately, through a combination of increased awareness and psycho-education in the areas of parenting, anger management, stress management and domestic violence programs it is more than possible to stop the multi-generational cycle of child abuse. However, the first step is increasing awareness. For purposes of clarity, please note that in the state of California the only legal form of physical punishment a parent may use to correct a transgression is for the parent to spank their child one time with an open hand upon the child’s posterior. In addition, California further defines child abuse as any form of physical contact that leaves a mark including spanking should the spanking leave any marks upon the child’s posterior. If you, or someone you love, is a victim of child abuse as stated above, intimate partner violence, or other form of emotional or mental abuse including neglect help is available 24-7 by calling 211, 1-800-540-4000, or 911. Remember, only through awareness and advocacy will change occur. Being a child doesn’t have to hurt!
For more information or resources about parenting, anger management, or domestic violence batterers’ information programs please visit www.nvamc.com. For information about child abuse resources or support please visit www.dcfs.lacounty.gov .
It’s Saturday night, and you and your loved one are having dinner in an upscale local restaurant. The steak is cooked to perfection, the salad crisp and well chilled, the conversation pleasant. You take a bite of tender succulent beef, and begin to quietly chew all the while thinking to yourself the night could not be more perfect. Suddenly, at the table next to you, a young child begins to act out. You hear the parents say “no” several times, and then the volume of the outburst begins to increase. It is at this point you realize the child is in the beginning of a full blown tantrum. Your stomach begins to sink, as the parents attempt to calm the child, because the harder they try the louder the child yells. The next thing you know, you hear the sound of skin hitting skin, as the parents begin yelling at the child to “Stop it!” It is at this point you find yourself loosing your appetite and wondering what is wrong with the child, the parents, or both?
Throughout the ordeal you find yourself vacillating between wondering how the parents could both hit and yell at there child in public, why they would dare to bring an ill behaved child to a restaurant, and why they haven’t taken the child out to the car. As the child continues to kick, bite, yell, and scream you realize the horrific spectacle playing out next to you is far more than the anger of a petulant child; frustrated and dismayed, you begin accept that date night is well and truly over and that you may have witnessed inappropriate discipline of a minor ( CA law states corporal punishment is only legal when it is involves an open hand on a child’s bottom and does not leave a mark.)
We've all been there, and witnessing such a display it is never pleasant. The important thing to remember is
the child in this scenario deserves compassion, not scorn. Keep in mind, the inappropriate behavior is not the child’s fault. All behavior is learned through a combination of repetition and reinforcement. The question then becomes, where did they learn to use such extreme and inappropriate behavior to get their needs met, and why was it necessary?
In replaying the above scenario, what was truly witnessed between the parents and the child? You observed the child “acting out”, the parents saying “no”, the child not accepting the answer, the parents hitting the child while yelling “stop it”, and the child escalating to full tantrum with kicking, biting, and screaming. When reviewing the incident, it becomes clear the child has learned to “turn up the heat” to get needs met and as such is unable to accept limits due to negative reinforcement of needs only met when escalated. Therefore, the child demonstrates resilience in learning how to get daily needs met. Although unpleasant to experience, the child’s naughty behavior is clearly a necessary survival skill.
However, the parents’ behavior demonstrates a lack stress management, displaced anger, inappropriate corporal discipline, a lack of emotional intelligence, and poor parenting skills. How then could the situation have been handled to generate a positive outcome? The National Parenting Education Network
recommends the following steps as a more appropriate response to a child’s defiance, tantrums, angry outbursts, or disruptive behavior when at home or in public:
1. State the rule (Ex. in our family we don’t hit each other).
- 2. Time-out when a child chooses not to follow a rule. (One minute per year of age).
- 3. Use positive reinforcement when a child follows a rule.
- 4. Apply consequences in a consistent way (to make it easier use a prompt paired with a count of 3, and then move on with a time out when a child is not following a stated rule). A child eventually will expect to have negative consequences for negative behaviors. As parents, striving to teach good habits and values is a must.
- 5. Whenever parent can, he/she should celebrate positive behaviors to encourage and support desired changes (very important).
- 6. Make a plan with your child to celebrate when progress, so the child has something positive to look forward.
For many people anger and disruptive behavior are the result of internalized tension and resentment. In short, anger represents mental and emotional fill points or bucket of emotion, that have hit there limit and literally burst. So what is an emotional “fill point” and how does it affect us? An emotional “fill point” is an imaginary line used to represent how much stress and anger a person can accumulate before these negative emotions start to “spill” out in an angry outburst.
Some people have a low fill line, while others have a high one. Children, on the other hand, tend to have much lower fill lines than adults, and as such care must be taken when interacting and setting and example for them. When a child reaches their fill line, they tend to let all their negative emotions spill out onto others in un- healthy ways. Disruptive behavior, acting out, anger, irritability, and bullying are the most common unhealthy ways that a child uses to try and relieve stress by playing out emotions that they may not be able to verbally express. This is not only devastating for the child, but also for the unintended victim of the angry lashing out, be it family, a friend, classmates etc. The most important thing to remember is that a child, unlike and adult, does not know their fill line; and as such, is unable to actively choose to reduce their stress and negative emotions before they spill over onto others.
When a child’s emotional bucket is full, it is up to the caregivers in their lives to help them learn and begin to use healthy appropriate alternatives to angry out bursts or they disruptive behaviors. Some effective tools to help children cope with tension and stress dump are engaging activities including sports, Boys & Girls Club, summer camp, etc, redirection such as color grounding (have them choose a color in a room, then prompt them to point out how many places they see the color), creating a coping box filled with manipulatives, guided activities, music, slow deep breathing, taking space, etc. Adults, on the other hand, are able to dump their emotional buckets and make healthy choices to reduce their tension and anger without prompting; however, the same principles apply. Appropriate ways for adults to reduce their emotional fill lines include going to the gym, enrolling in Yoga, slow deep breathing, talking with a friend, guided imagery, etc.
Whether a child or an adult, healthy coping may take some practice, but recognizing and appropriately relieving the anger, stress, and tension built up in an emotional bucket will ultimately lead to a happier, calmer life.
For more information about healthy alternatives to managing anger, please visit www.nvamc.com, or call 1-888-992-6479 for a free consultation.